“I Love You” Jocelyn Fan
January 25th, 2011
To the girl who will always look like chocolate to me,
I love you. I am in love with you. If it were up to me, if I always had the courage, I would hold you every time we fought. I falter, I hesitate, I am scared because for you I want to give you everything and do everything right by you. I don’t mean material things, but I want to give you all of me. You already have it, I just don’t know how to show you.. not the way you need me to.
I don’t know how to show you, but nearly every waking moment my mind races to find a way, to find a way to be there for you, to find a way to be all that you need, to find a way for you to understand my heart, body, mind and soul are yours. I am never as okay as I try to seem. I will never be okay if I lose you, as much as I try to lie to others that I am because no one could ever understand how real our love is, how that feels. No one but you and I truly know that my heart is forever yours. I don’t want to share that vulnerability with anyone but you.
You asked how I could lie to you that I say I feel disconnected to everyone when I closed up to you when you said I make everything into a counseling session. I tried to explain that I am still connected to you more than anyone, that no one else even gets remotely close. Only for you do I feel my heart yearning. Only for you do my tears well. Only for you would I give all of me. But I am only human. When I hurt, I retract and I am scared to be hurt again; but for you I stay, I stayed months after that instance, I still want to stay now. I stayed because I am still in love with you. I stayed because you are worth loving, you are worth feeling hurt. I stayed because with time I heal. When I see your smile it brings me joy; when I feel your touch it brings me warmth; when I hear your laugh.. I told you once before that I cherished your laugh most of all, it fills my heart, body and soul all at once. It was never a lie that you are the one who is the most connected to me. It is always there, even when we fight, even when we cry.
That night before you left LA we had our first dispute. We weren’t in tune with each other, there was a distance between us and curt words. I confronted you if something was going on, if you needed space, if this was too fast, all you had to do was tell me because I would give you anything you asked of me. You managed to tell me that you’re leaving soon, you’re distancing yourself to keep leaving from being too hard, to keep it from hurting too much. You asked if we could just enjoy the time we had left. I tried, because you asked me to, but I couldn’t. I wanted to feel you close to me as we avoided each other’s eyes across the table and from all that we had felt before, I believed you wanted it too. I reached for your hands and you let me hold them. I stared at your hands resting in mine while telling myself, “I want to remember this moment forever. The softness of your skin, the warmth of your hand, the gentle embrace as yours rests within mine.” I couldn’t let you leave like this with this distance between us so I brought it up again. You told me I need to understand that when you leave you won’t have much time, you have many things to take care of, many things to fix. I agreed and told you I understood, but here in this moment you were with me, you weren’t in CT, that this was you distancing yourself from me not the obstacles of time and circumstance. I’m not sure what you saw when you looked at me, but I saw your face drop when I said you made me feel like a fool. We left and reached the parking structure at the apartment complex. I gave you the letter I had written for you to read on the plane and we sat for a brief moment, both unsure what to do. You motioned to get out of the car with your head turned away from me and I could see the tears in your eyes. I reached for your arm and asked you not to go, not to leave like this as I brought you into my arms. You stayed. You let me hold you. You held me. As we slowly let each other go, you stayed close to me while I wiped away your tears and brushed your hair from your face. I kissed you and I know you felt the same passion I did, anguish and ecstasy all at once. I made love to you, and for me that was truly the first time I made love to anyone. You held me tightly as we hugged and said our goodbyes again and I asked you to do me a favor, the first thing I ever asked of you. I asked if you could remember this moment, if you could remember what you were feeling. I wanted you to remember because whenever you feel lonely, whenever you feel like we were about to break, you would remember what it felt like to put aside the fear and to let each other in. I didn’t realize till now that what I asked you to remember was what it felt like for us to be in love, with no walls, no guards, no boundaries. I told you that if you want this, then we will find a way together. That if you want me just as I want you, we will find a way for us to be together.
I had forgotten the details over time until I wrote this out to you. Over and over I paused just now unable to stop the tears, unable to stop my heart from hurting, from longing for you. As angry as we both have been over the time we’ve been together, the thing that remains constant is my heart hurts when I feel I’ve lost you, when I feel I can’t reach you. For so long my heart has been yearning and crying, not knowing how to reach you like I did once before. I know you want that back just as much as I do. I hear it in your voice, I hear it in your cries, and I know if I was there with you I would see it in your eyes. We both knew starting this relationship it would be hard, that so many things would be working against us. The first time I faltered, you came for me and you were my strength. You told me all of this would be worth it and I believed you so I stayed. You and I both knew to feel what we had in those two, short weeks it was something special, something extraordinary, something real. We skyped for the first time that night since you had left. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much and so hard just at the sight of you, and at the same time my heart pained knowing that I couldn’t hold you. That pain, it’s worth it, you’re worth it.
The first letter I wrote to you, I said I couldn’t promise you a future because no one could predict the future. I never told you why or how I realized I could promise you that, I wanted to promise you that. I made the promises of a future together because I made a decision for myself that for as long as you would love me, stick by me through our struggles, and grow with me there is no one else in this world that I would rather have at my side through my darkest hours and through my greatest achievements. That is why I told you so many things about my life, about what I was going through. You responded, you talked to me, you did comfort me. Just like how I stick my tongue out at you when you compliment me, it’s hard for me to receive comfort. But your words did reach me, your love did reach me, and I fell in love with you more each and every time. I wish I knew how to show you that sooner. I wish there was a way for me to know when my words and love have reached something in you. If I could easily pinpoint a way to show you my love, to have you understand and see my love for you, I would live every day to show you. Until I find a way for you to truly see, I will try all that I can think of and exhaust all possibilities till I know how to make you feel whole with my love again.
I hope you believe me when you read this and when you look back. I hope my words reach you, that my heart has reached yours.. I had to let you go in some aspects when you left LA, but we both wanted what we knew was real in each other. The circumstances are different now… I am so scared of the day that I may lose you for good, that you may pass much sooner than I would ever be ready to endure. Don’t push me away like you did before you left LA, don’t convince yourself that distance between us now will prevent the hurt later. Love me Charlie, let me give you my love. We may stumble and fall as our hearts find each other again, but we both know when our hearts meet it is worth every heartache and every tear. Give me your heart as I give you my own.
I love you Charlie, my beautiful love. I am in love with you, and yes like I said before, I will love you forever.
Your China doll, Jocey
WRITER Jocelyn Fan MODEL Jovi López PHOTOGRAPHER Diane Abapo